Don't Feed Your Child

Don’t Feed Your Child


Mindful parents don’t feed infants and children, we let them eat. When I visualize a parent feeding a child I see a parent spooning food into a child’s mouth. This parent seems determined to get a certain amount of food and a certain type of food into the child. They may resort to distraction, rewards, or punishment to accomplish their goal—getting the child to eat.

A mindful parent offers food to an infant or child. This parent also chooses one or two foods to offer, but they have no agenda about the amount of food that needs to be consumed. It is not thel parent’s job to get the child to eat. This parent follows the child’s tempo, offering a new spoonful when the child has finished chewing (look at the jaw moving) and opens his or her mouth for more. If the child is self feeding, the parent sits back and observes, or eats their own meal.

A mindful parent lets the child explore the food with touch, taste and smell. The child is allowed to eat as little or as much as they wish. Observation of a child will tell us when an infant or child is finished. A rejected food can be offered again at another time, but it is not forced on the child, not even a small taste. In this way we allow our children to maintain their ability to react to their own nutritional needs. This is how we create healthy eaters.

Update: My son is eating vegetables!!

Summer is the best season for fresh food. So many different and delicious fruits and vegetables are available, fresh from the garden. I am extremely fortunate to live next to people who have a garden, so large and successful that they cannot eat all they produce. In the past they have kindly shared their excess with me and my family. This year, as they are becoming too old for the shoveling and weeding, I have become their laborer in exchange for an even larger share of the bounty. Besides sitting down to a salad of fresh lettuces, spinach, carrots, and cucumbers, we are also harvesting peas (three different kinds), green beans, zucchini, raspberries, strawberries, potatoes, shallots, cilantro, basil, parsley, thyme, and dill.

But most amazing of all is my son's interest. As you may know from my book or a previous blog, my son does not usually show much interest in fresh fruits and vegetables. But this summer he is. He goes next door to the garden when he is hungry and picks some strawberries and raspberries. He is picking and eating snap peas, snow peas and green beans, stuffing them in his pockets. He searches for cucumbers and loves their flavor and crunch. He also loves to pull carrots from the ground, rinse them with the hose and eat them right then and there. Actually, all of these foods he eats at the garden. Once they are on the table, even if they are still raw and untouched by slicing, cooking or saucing, he doesn't show much interest.

So I am all smiles as he munches away, and my wonderful and generous neighbors are totally welcoming and supportive of his interest as he nibbles away at their garden. As I think back, my daughter never ate a tomato until she tried one freshly picked in our yard. She loves them now and even eats them from the store and served at the table. So no matter where you live, grow something--cucumbers and tomatoes grow well in pots, lettuce doesn't' take much room, and potatoes grow underground beneath their green leafy tops (kids love digging for these in the late summer). If you can't grown foods at home, visit a local farm that sells to the public or visit a farmers market. Most vendors give out samples and it is amazing what kids eat when it is a sample.

Enjoy the rest of the summer. I am looking forward to the harvesting of tomatoes, potatoes, cabbage, onions, apples, Asian pears, plums, more zucchini, and grapes. And I can't wait to see what my son will be eating then.

Please Don't Be This Parent

It is amazing how possessed some parents are about what and how much their child eats. At the San Diego Zoo, watching elephants eat, a parent started in on her child. "See how the elephant eats everything" she said. I'm no child psychologist, but does she think that her kid is going to relate to the elephant and decide, "wow, she's right, I'll start eating all of my vegetables too". Or does the kid think, "I thought we were here for fun and now I'm being lectured about my vegetables." I vote for the latter. If mom keeps this up soon the kid won't want to go anywhere with mom, as he feels he will always be an open target for criticism.

Please don't be this parent. All the studies that quantify the feeding behaviors between parents and children have shown that when a parent over manages the child's eating, the child will over eat when left on his or her own. A parent's job is to provide a variety of healthy food in a timely manner and letthe child choose to eat the offered foods or not.

I have seen over and over a child signalling that he or she is done with the meal. The parent says "take one more bite before you go". What is this parent trying to accomplish? I am still amazed by how many parents think one more bite of food will make or break a child's nutrition, unlikely. This "one more bite" becomes a knee jerk reaction on the part of the parent, always insisting on the last decision. This is not a successful way to teach a child to take care of him or her self. Nor does it let a child know they can trust their own internal cues for knowing when they have had enough food. We are all born with a natural instinct to eat to survive, and know when we have had enough. The only reason children loose this ability is if we teach them to ignore it, by telling them how much to eat.